Things Looking Up for R-Mart, Dodgers

So, the last time we posted, we were talking about how the Dodgers were giving us all the heebie jeebies about their slow start. That, in addition to the fact that someone poisoned R-Mart by putting toxic sludge in his beef smoothies every day (which explains his low batting average for the first few weeks), and this wasn't shaping up to be a good season.

Well, things are beginning to shape up for our heroes and our Hero of heroes. The Dodgers are officially over .500 as of last night's 13-1 romp of the NL East leading Florida Marlins. Although the Dodgers are still only in eighth in the NL standings, their run differential suggests that they are a much better team. With a +30 differential, they trail only the D-backs (+56), the Cubs (+51) and the Cardinals (+31). We always knew that the Dodgers were better than they were performing earlier in the season, but this stat lends credence to the theory.

Let's also keep in mind that we've enjoyed this success while Andrea Jones has been playing like a tiny, crippled baby girl with infant AIDS. Russell Martin, on the other hand, has raised his batting average up to .292 as he banged in his team-leading (note: he's tied with like forty other guys on the team) third home run yesterday. It won't be long before R-Mart either rips Andrea's head from her body, thus, taking her off the payroll (it's known as the "Highlander Clause"), or he intimidates her into playing like the Andruw Jones we were hoping could hit at least .250 with 25 HRs.

Either way, it will be good news for the Dodgers and for Andrea Jones, whose current performance has to be so embarrassing that it's worse than an honorable death at the hands of Russell Martin.

Slow Start?

So I am getting pretty fed up with all this constant jibber jabber about R-Mart's slow start to the season. After naturally drafting R-Mart number one in my fantasy league, I have gotten a barrage of emails about my choice and the lack of offense from R-Mart.

It is true that R-Mart has yet to put up his MVP type numbers, but what people don't realize is that R-Mart is directly responsible for the Dodgers having the lowest ERA in the bigs right now. It is a lil hard to focus your energy on offense when you are busy making every pitcher on the dodgers better! Plus, this is just going to make R-Mart's allstar and MVP run that much better. I also have R-Mart at a 5-2 favorite to win the CY Young this year with the way he is "pitching games."

Thats right! R-Mart is so good at calling and catching pitches, he is going to win the CY Young.

5 Questions, 1 Answer (Hint: Answer is R-Mart)

Today, the LA Times wrote an article titled "Five questions that the Dodgers need to answer." I'll save you some of your not-so-precious time (unless you're R-Mart, in which case, your time is worth like twenty billion dollars all the time), and list the questions for you here:

1) Who will play next to Andruw Jones?
2) Can Jones bounce back from last season?
3) Who starts at third: old man Nomar or young guy LaRoche?
4) Was Hiroki Kuroda worth $35.3 million?
5) Is Jason Schmidt completely healed?

Let's address these questions individually:

Who will play next to Andruw Jones?

R-Mart, obviously. That's what's amazing about R-Mart: he plays, emotionally, next to all of his teammates. Much in the way that your dead hamster, Snuggles, will "always be with you," R-Mart is always with his buddies on the Dodgers. Only, instead of being a worthless hamster, R-Mart is an all star catcher with sexy-cool style.

Can Jones bounce back from last season?

Better question: will R-Mart be even more awesome than he was last season? Answer: yup!

Who starts at third?

I know that you're expecting me to say "R-Mart" but the sad truth is that R-Mart is only allowed by modern baseball bigwigs to play one position at a time and he has chosen catcher. Surely, R-Mart could just destroy these bigwigs and play third, right? Well, yes, but it's not up to me who R-Mart destroys; much like what clothes I put on in the morning, that decision is up to R-Mart.

Was Hiroki Kuroda worth $35.3 million?

Frankly, no pitcher that is throwing to R-Mart is worth anything, much less $35.3 million. As long as a pitcher throws the pitches that R-Mart calls, he'll do just fine. But Kuroda doesn't speak English, so he can't tell what R-Mart is saying, right? Wrong! He speaks the international language too, which, of course, is fear of R-Mart. Trust me, he'll do what R-Mart says which means he'll be an asset to the Dodgers.

Is Jason Schmidt completely healed?

BORING! I don't know the answer to this question, but I don't really care, either. I'll bet the answer is "R-Mart is great" but I'm too bored to care. Who the hell is Jason Schmidt anyway? Until he gets his lifetime Dodger ERA under 5.00, he's dead to me. For all I know, R-Mart ate him alive during the offseason so he really might be dead. Hey, Schmidt! While you're dead, say hi to Snuggles for me!

So, there you go. All of your burning Dodger questions have been answered, LA Times. Next time you need to answer any of the great questions in life, just take a look in the mirror. I'm assuming that you've already painted a picture or taped up a photograph of Russell Martin's head where your head would go in the mirror because the answer to these questions is "Russell Martin" not "Butthole LA Times Reporter Guy." Also, who wants to look at their own face when they could look at R-Mart's beautiful mug instead?

Answer: Nobody! That one's a freebie.

Unacceptable Absence

The R-Mart Guys have been gone too long, but in our absence have found incredible value. We were looking for a way to take all of our game photos from over the years and scan them online so we could jazz up (just like R-Mart senior) our blog with fancy photos that rock the house. The problem that we ran into is that we had boxes of photos and no way to scan them online. So after a little competitive research, R-Mart style, we found Scan Digital Photo Scanning They were great! They were able to take all our worthless paper pics and put them onto dvd to store forever.

As a result, pics of the R-Mart guys worshiping R-Mart will be online soon. I know everyone is pumped city to see that and is immediately wondering how to thank us for our efforts. Well, why not buy us a Photo Gift Certificate

The Forecast Calls For Rain

All of the R Mart guys couldnt have been happier with last nights game. The team has finally come through with a burst of energy, which can only be attributed to the arrival of James "Balogna Pony Express aka J Lo" Loney and Matt "Rain Man, Rain Dance, Rain Deer, Rain Delay, Rain Forrest, Rain Bow? Rain Man, Purple Rain, Rain Out, Hard Rain, Precipitation in the form of Rain, Rain of Fire" Kemp. They definitely have been drinking POWERTHRIST.

I Still Wont Demand A Trade!

So, talking causally with the other R-Mart Guy after last night's horrific meltdown and we started discussing how we are still missing that player to really take us to the next level. This then sparked a great debate on what we should do. Below is the transcript from our convo:

R-Mart Guy #1: dude are you singing?

R-Mart Guy #2: Little bit

R-Mart Guy #1: haha! man..did you watch that dodger game last night?

R-Mart Guy #2: Unfortunately. Fucking Nomar. Boots a double play ball and then can't beat the guy to the bag. And Broxton didn't look very good. Fucking walked in the winning run, are you serious?

R-Mart Guy #2: We need Miguel Cabrera.

R-Mart Guy #1: how could we get him?

R-Mart Guy #2: His contract is up at the end of the year. Florida won't want to pay him, so they would trade him away if they could get something back. I'll give them Betemit, Abreu, LaRoche, Loney and Kemp for Cabrera!

R-Mart Guy #1: I will give them... Betemit, Clark, Seanez, LaRoche, Leiberthal, Pierre, and Hendrickson..and Gonzo... For NOTHING!!!

I guess if we can learn anything from this radical transcript is that the Dodgers have a bunch of Worthless Bags of Shit that are worse than nobody. If anything, we should make a move to improve the team by getting an ALLSTAR like Cabrera.

The Amazing R-Mart!

Initially, I was going to write about the dreadful Freeway Series against the Anaheim, California Angles. I got a chance to get down to the friendly confines of Angle Stadium, and let me tell you something, it isn't very angular at all. In fact, it's pretty round.

Also, even though there were about four or six Angle fans for every Dodger fan, it sounded like the crowd was 50/50. Angle fans just don't seem to care that much. I mean, I know that this isn't news to anyone, but anytime you feel like the majority of come-late-leave-early Dodgers fans suck, just take a trip down the 405 to the 22 and you'll remember that compared to Angle fans, we're fucking soccer hooligans. I'm not even sure that half of the people in red knew they were going to a baseball game. I think I heard one lady say, "So, if we win, we're going to the Stanley Cup finals, right?" Unbelievable.

So, anyway, I was going to write about that, but since we got swept and I actually made friends with some Angle fans (and yes, I am ashamed, but they're just so damn nice!), I'm just going to bury it in my subconscious and talk about last night.

As you know, the Dodgers won 3-2 against the NL Central leaders, the Milwaukee Brewers. Wow, that didn't sound right! But yes, the Beermen of Wisconsin are in fact leading the NL Central by a whopping 6.5 games. What you may not know about last night's game is that of the three runs that the Dodgers scored against Ben "R-Mart Got My Mom Between the" Sheets, Russell Martin scored two of them and also drove in two of them.

That's like a fucking magic trick! Last time I checked, two plus two equaled four. I'm not sure how Russell Martin managed to be so amazing, but I'm glad he did it. It seems like in order to beat the premier teams of the NL, the Dodgers are going to have to rely more and more on the paranormal abilities of their young catcher.

Tonight, the R-Mart Guys will be back in full force in Chavez Ravine cheering on our favorite player, Russell Martin, and--if we have time--cheering on the Dodgers as well. It's not like it will matter, though; R-Mart has already decided whether he will win another one single-handedly or if he will punish me with a loss for being nice to the folks in Orange County.